


daydreamers

by orphan_account



Series: you say im a mess [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Dark, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Schizophrenia, Wow, different story, except i dont know, im SOOSOOOOSO excited for this one, it's going to be so fucking long too, like my really weird writing style, same style too, this is a lot like rain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-18
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2017-12-05 16:23:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/725348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which harry makes weird analogies because nothing else can really explain the love for which he's developed for the boy with the tiny hands and abyssal eyes</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. window

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
> **  
> [PLAYLIST HERE](http://8tracks.com/kensiee/star-crossed)  
> **  
> 
> 
> ♡♡♡♡♡♡ask me questions at [ niallvibes.tumblr ](http://niallvibes.tumblr.com)♡♡♡♡♡♡
> 
> yay finally another one like rain im so excited i hope you guys like this one a lot because im actually in love with it ugh sorry about my weird obsession with mental disorders i dont even know i think it's really endearing hahaha
> 
> **trigger warnings later in the story im guessing because anorexia yeah**

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "dr. langdon, it's bad again."

harry turned his head to the door where he could hear yelling 

and a growing argument between 

the secretary and someone else

"harry," 

dr. langdon said 

in an ever-calm and quiet voice 

that he might have thought was soothing 

but was actually just mock worthy

to harry anyway

harry turned his attention back to dr. langdon 

"what's going on out there?"

"don't worry about it, harry. 

now what were you saying about yesterday?"

"yesterday, i couldn't concentrate on…" 

harry turned around to the door again

"um, i couldn't concentrate- okay, really, 

what is going on out there?"

"i don't know," 

dr. langdon answered

leaning his head to the side to look at the door

a faint male voice was growing louder 

and more pleading

seemed to be begging the woman at the front desk 

to let him into dr. langdon's office

"marcy, please!"

the voice begged

"i need to speak to him!"

"louis,"

the secretary started

and then there were footsteps 

and the door burst open

"dr. langdon,"

the voice breathed

and it was embodied by a delicate boy

tears streaming down his face

small fingers poking from the sleeves of an oversized sweater

and he couldn't be older than 17

but harry thought he was beautiful

so he watched him walk over to dr. langdon

and disregard harry's presence

and the fact that this was harry's appointment

but harry really didn't care

because obviously he needs help 

more than harry right now

"dr. langdon, it's bad again."

he said

pleading

voice breaking

and quiet

"louis, i have a patient,"

dr. langdon said sympathetically

nodding to harry

and when the boy called louis 

turned his head to harry

and before his gaze dropped to the ground

harry scooted over 

and patted the couch cushion next to his

louis gave a small smile 

and the look in his eyes said he was thankful

that a complete stranger 

is giving up his time for him

he sat down on the couch 

and gently knocked his fingernails together

and tugged on the sleeves of his sweater

and breathed

and then he looked up

to dr. langdon

and said

"i want to die."

but it was so innocent

and gave harry shivers down his spine

and he felt the way louis felt

but never would have expected it

from someone so delicate

and gorgeous

"what's been going on, louis? 

why do you feel like this?"

dr. langdon asked

and louis shook his head in bewilderment

and a tear dropped to his jutting cheekbones

"it's just getting bad again."

and he shrugged

dr. langdon sighed and asked

"when was the last time you ate?"

"4 days ago."

"can you get something into your system, louis?

maybe you'll think clearer."

no answer

"louis, please eat.

there's that vegan cafe down the road, louis.

they have low calorie dishes that will do you a lot of good."

no answer

"louis."

"okay."

silence

then louis spoke again

"i don't have a car."

"i'll take you,"

harry piped up

becoming part of a conversation he wasn't in

and both sets of eyes went to him

"would you do that, harry?"

dr. langdon asked

and then turned his attention to louis 

and told him

"louis, this is harry.

i think you two would get along,

actually.

can he take you to get lunch?"

louis with his so small 

and delicate

body

and hands

and long eyelashes

said

"sure."

in a really sweet 

and quiet

voice

and harry smiled gently

dimples forming

and eyes twinkling

while he watched louis fumble with his fingers

"nice to meet you, harry."

he said

and harry said

"nice to meet you too."

and they walked out of dr. langdon's office

and louis told harry that he would just be second

and needed to go to the bathroom

so he went around the corner

and down the hallway

while harry waited in the waiting room

and the secretary made small talk with him

until dr. langdon came out from his office

and said to harry

"please make sure he eats."

in a low and quiet tone

and harry nodded

and dr. langdon was confident that harry would

because harry is careful 

and caring

and trustworthy

so harry waited on the beige canvas chair

and tapped his thumb against the arm

and waited 

3

5

7

minutes

(he likes odd numbers)

(a lot)

and decided that louis was taking a while

so he strolled down the hallway

and took the left into the bathroom

to see sunshine pouring through an open window

breeze blowing the curtains softly

window screen resting against the wall

and harry shook his head

because louis

trouble that he was

had escaped


	2. mrs. walsh

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "he's the prettiest thing i've seen in awhile."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay!!! so hope you like this omg im really loving this story and i just love harry in this i dont know

"he what?"

dr. langdon said

when harry explained what happened

"he just… left?

well

that's very louis

i suppose."

"what happens now?"

"we wait for him to come back."

and wait harry did

waited 

and called

and waited

and called

and kept calling to see if louis 

had made his way back to dr. langdon

everyday he called

because it bothered him

that louis 

this boy he knew nothing about

was running around

with an empty stomach

and a plagued mind

and harry wondered if louis had a girlfriend

(or a boyfriend)

and came to the conclusion

that if he did have a girlfriend

(or a boyfriend)

they were shitty 

and the title was nominal 

because they aren't taking proper care

of louis

and see 

when harry finds something beautiful

it's all he can focus on

and he should learn

learn from all the other experiences

that he picks the very worst things to love

and they're always kind

and gilded with innocence

and harry doesn't know his own strength

so one day he'll lose control

and hurt them

emotionally of course

because harry only puts his hands on people

who put their hands on people he loves

and harry figures that he should stick to 

late nights at bars

where he just watches local artists

like the guy with the angel voice

and the fire hair

because he's too young to drink

and sometimes he'll flirt with the bartender

and sometimes he'll take him home

because he's got the darkest brown eyes

and the softest brown hair

but he feels wrong

because he doesn't love harry

and won't let harry love him

so harry's given up on him

and they just go to each other when they're alone

and really harry could stick to that

really

~

on the next thursday when he goes back in 

for his next appointment

and talks to dr. langdon

all he talks about is louis

and dr. langdon just smiles because

harry's got a crush

~

"hello?"

harry props the phone between

his shoulder and his cheek

and brings a spoonful of cereal to his mouth

"harry, it's dr. langdon.

louis is here 

and wanted to speak to you."

harry froze 

and listened to the fumbling of the phone

on the other end of the line

and the quiet noise of someone clearing their throat

"hi, harry"

harry swallows

"hi, louis"

and it's weird because

they've never really directly spoken

other than once

but louis doesn't make it weird

he just sounds happy

and sweet

"i'm calling to tell you that

well

i don't want you to take it personally

that i walked out like that.

it wasn't you, i swear!

food just scares me

i don't know."

"jumped."

harry says quietly

pause

"what?"

"you jumped."

harry laughs

"you jumped out the window."

"i guess you're right

i probably just wanted to sound less crazy."

louis laughs and it's like songbirds

it's loud in a way 

that's only loud because it's stunning

and you just want to keep quiet

and listen

harry smiles to himself again

the smile with the deep dimples

and the twinkling eyes

and he pretends louis is smiling at the other end

he hopes he is

"anyway"

louis starts

"i'd like to see you again

to make it up to you."

he sounds nervous

because his voice gets quiet and unsure

but harry tries to get out the word 

"yes"

because in his head he's thinking

_yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes_

but he's got to breathe

and stop smiling first

and when he finally does say

"yea"

and chuckles a little bit

louis asks him to meet him somewhere today

and harry says he's got to work

but after

he'll text louis

and they agree

and say goodbye

and harry doesn't take his phone from it's spot on his shoulder

but waits for the hang up tone

so he can let it drop to the couch

and maybe 

possibly

get up

and do a victory dance

that's more just him slowly waving long arms around 

while he walks into his room 

with a smirk on his face

and he picks out

that harley davidson shirt that he thrifted 

awhile ago

and a beanie that severely mismatches

and grabs a coat

and runs

(not by a normal person's standards

but harry is very slow at everything he does

so it's running for him)

out the door

and heads to work

and hour 4 out of 5 on his shift

he gets a text from an unsaved number

that reads

"where should i meet you?"

and he figures it's louis

so he responds

"i'm at work, get out at 3, meet me here, ya?"

and when louis agrees 

he sends him the address

so louis gets a sweater on

and pulls a jacket over it

and a winter hat over his ears

because god he is so cold

and he isn't even outside yet

but he starts walking 

and as he gets farther down the road

he feels his anxiety kicking in

and he tries to shake it off

like something on his shoulder

but that makes him more tense

but he keeps walking

and it never fails to amuse him

how little you have to think to walk

and how your legs 

can keep carrying you somewhere

even when you don't feel like you should go

and when he arrives at what should be

the proper address

he double

triple

quadruple checks 

the address harry sent him

and squints his eyes

and tilts his head

because why would harry send him the address

to a thrift shop

so he sits a bench he finds that's close

and texts harry

"hey, you sure you gave me the right address??"

and gets almost seconds later

"yea !"

so he goes inside

and it smells like old water

and dust

and the only noise is mostly

the squeaking of the hangers against the racks

and the same tone coming from

the carts being pushed around

and then he hears in the opposite corner of the store

a somewhat familiar voice

saying

"hello, mrs. walsh."

so he heads towards it

and sees a old woman

pushing her cart 

who's probably mrs. walsh

judging by the smirk on her face

because louis knows he would be smirking too

if harry said hi to him

and then he sees the back of a very tall boy

minus the messy curly hair

plus a beanie

plus an apron

drawing a dick in the condensation

on the window

that's collected because of the rain

so louis approaches

and decides he should say something 

charming

or funny

or sweet

so he just says

"i bet you just work here to pick up the babes."

and harry doesn't flinch

just smiles a bit

like he knew louis was there

and says

"well

i didn't go to therapy expecting to pick up babes

but i did

so.

anyway,

you'd be surprised how many girls

walk in here thinking

they're going to become hipster when they buy something."

and louis really only picked up on one thing

so he asks

"so you like girls then

who's this girl you picked up in therapy?

is she hot?"

"well i'm greedy

so i go both ways

and this babe that i picked up in therapy

it's a guy

but i'll have you know

he's the prettiest thing i've seen in a while."

louis just tries not to smile

and fails

miserably

and it turns into that smile with the lines

in the corner of his eyes

and he doesn't notice 

how long harry admires it

while he's looking at the floor

harry speaks up again

unintentionally charming as ever

"i'm thinking about taking him on a proper date too

do you think he'd want to go?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey babe let me know what you think :)
> 
> help me make a playlist for this fic too yay


	3. golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis feels safe and harry wishes he was more convincing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally oh my god im so sorry i love you guys trust me im just the worst procrastinator ever i still have to proof this but im trying to get it up as soon as possible (hint: im also v unprofessional)

louis scrunches his nose 

when he sits in the front seat of harry's car

it smells like cigarettes 

and vaguely of cologne

with a little bit of the vanilla 

that louis has guessed comes from harry's hair

and harry notices the face that louis made

so he thinks that he'll tell louis

that he doesn't smoke cigarettes

and it's just the jacket in the back

that the bartender left the other night

but then he figures he shouldn't

so they drive

and harry figures louis probably

won't want to eat 

and he doesn't want to risk 

being run out on again

so he drives to the movies

and has louis pick the film

and he's hungry 

so he buys an enormous bag of popcorn

and he's glad when louis reaches for a handful

after a lot of contemplation

he eats slowly

and chews his food excessively long

but he's eating

so harry's proud

and once the opening credits are rolling

harry and louis are two of six people in the theater

and the other four are an old couple

and then two girls that are probably sisters

and harry and louis are at the very top row

and harry throws popcorn in the air

and catches it in his mouth

and louis gets into laughing fits

and it's still like songbirds

and when the movies almost over

harry wraps long and warm fingers

over louis' small 

and fragile

and cold hands

and louis feels a warmth in his chest

that he hasn't felt in too long

but harry thinks that louis is warm

and bright

and beautiful

and he has this tan skin

and harry's sure that if he ate

he'd have even more radiant skin

even more honey brown hair

but he's still beautiful

and the way he's biting his thumbnail with harry's fingers in his

and looking through his eyelashes with this mischievous look in his eyes

harry is mesmerized

"tell me about you,"

harry says

first thing after he turns the key in the ignition

"what would you like to know,"

louis counters

everything

he thinks

but says

"favorite color."

"maroon."

"favorite food."

"really?"

"sorry 

favorite

um

sport."

"to play or to watch."

"both."

"well 

i used to play football but i didn't make the team

like the season after i stopped eating. 

now i just watch football."

"favorite free time thing to do."

"find new music to listen to 

or

watch old episodes of skins."

"i love skins.

favorite tv shows."

"weeds

skins 

and

hmm

i forget the last one.

now tell me about you,

favorite color, music, sport, tv shows, go."

"green

anything indie or local

football

because football players are like

beyond hot

skins, x factor, and spongebob."

louis snickers a little at the spongebob comment

but is too caught up in the other one

about football players

and god if he wasn't if he wasn't so shaky

he knows he would feel the butterflies 

in his stomach

but instead his cheeks go red

and harry smirks when he sees

and they have a comfortable silence

which is something louis can't have with anyone

and he remembers for the first time tonight 

about his anxiety

because harry made it all fade away

and he even _ate_

_greasy_

_fat_

_you're disgusting_

_stop_

louis shivers

but not because it's cold

but he hopes he shakes off the voice in his head

and for a little he does

but it comes back when harry's kicking his shoes off 

and louis realizes that he should probably take his coat off

because it was acceptable in the movie theatre

and it was acceptable in the car

but leaving his coat on in harry's apartment would just be rude

so he pulls it off

and tries not to notice harry looking at him

and he wonders what harry is thinking of him

and the voice says

_fat_

_he thinks you're fat_

_shouldn't've eaten_

_disgusting_

and he squeezes his eyes tight for a minute

and opens them to see harry gaping at him

and as if he read his mind

harry says

"beautiful" 

in the most astonished voice

and his eyes twinkle

while he looks louis over once more

and louis studies harry's eyes

and he read once in a psychology textbook

that typically when you're looking at someone you like

you're pupils dilate

and harry's eyes are practically black

so louis blushes again

and harry pulls him into the living room

by a gentle hand

and turns on the tv

and asks louis what he would like to watch

but louis shrugs

and slides over to harry

and rests his head on his big shoulder

and harry gently moves him

and wraps a bigger arm around him

then louis feels so safe

and they watch the tv with idle minds

more focused on thoughts

preoccupied with thinking of how to ask the questions that they want to

but harry blurts a lot

so he says

"why do you do it?"

and then specifies

"starve."

and he clears his throat

and adjusts so he can look louis in the eyes

only if louis looks up

only if he wants to look back

and louis sighs

and closes his eyes

and whispers

"i'm disgusting."

and harry shakes his head

with a pained look on his face

"louis

you're beautiful."

and louis shakes his head

with the same pained look

harry whispers into louis' forehead

"can i see?"

his hand hovering over louis' stomach

so louis breathes

and reminds himself how safe he is

and plays harry's words in his head

"you're beautiful"

and louis hesitantly lifts his shirt

self-conscious of the bones

that line his stomach

that he's normally proud of

and they peak out from under his shirt

boney fingers tugging the hem higher

while louis winces

and harry gasps

the intake of his breath 

sharp like razors against louis' skin

except it doesn't feel good

and harry's fingers run lightly

over the hard lines the bones make

that pull louis' skin pale

and how beautiful the already golden boy would be 

with a light in him

that he's lost along his way

harry thinks

and he thinks that he needs to bring it back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tell me what you think (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧


	4. morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's morning and louis tries to live by the motto "everyday do one thing that scares you" but this is all _too_ scary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's been awhile :)

louis wakes up to a bright room

sunshine warming the small of his back

and while his mind comes out of sleeping

he realizes that it's harry's hand instead

and his vision comes further into focus 

and he feels harry's long body behind his

weighing him down a little 

on a bed with maroon sheets 

and when he's a little less foggy

(or as clear as thoughts get on an empty stomach)

he decides he must of slept at harry's

though he doesn't remember taking the trip to harry's room

but he takes a look at an alarm clock

with luridly red digital numbers

and it says 6:42

so he decides to go back to sleep

and wakes back up without the weight behind him

and a brighter yellow light in the room

and harry's not behind him anymore 

so he sits up

and rubs his eyes 

and pulls on the sleeves of his sweater to warm his fingers

even though it probably won't work

and walks with careful and silent steps 

in the direction of where he hopes harry's kitchen is

except he catches a glimpse of his hair in a hallway mirror 

and stops 

he glares at himself while he realigns the stray strands

and tries to relax the relentless one in the back thats sticking straight up 

he jumps a little when a raspy voice says

"it looks great."

and adds

"i can't imagine mine looks any better, anyway."

and louis relaxes a little and tries not to smile

when he sees all of harry's hair swept in different directions 

except he looks _really good_ and it's _not fair_

and they stupidly smile at each other until louis' anxiety spikes

because he sees that harry is holding a spatula

and he hears sizzling in the kitchen

and his wariness must be apparent 

because harry raises his hands and says

"you don't have to eat anything, lou, really"

and louis chokes on some air

and that's out of sheer relief

and sort of out of embarrassment 

but he's trying to brush that off

"please don't jump out my window"

harry says

but he's completely serious

like he's genuinely worried that louis would jump out of the nearest window

even though harry lives on the fourth floor of this apartment building

and harry is far too cute to jump out on again anyway

louis breaks into a smile again

and harry feels like this iron grip on his stomach has been released

and he smiles too

and waves louis into the kitchen

and louis can't lie

whatever harry is making smells wonderful

so he thumbs through the box of vinyls on the floor

to keep himself occupied

and tries not to look up

but he smells bacon 

(he's a self-proclaimed three-quarter-vegetarian:

the only exception is bacon)

and french toast

and some other things that he's trying not to think about

and it's easy not to when he mind floods with voices

so he looks at an old chubby checker record

and imagines harry dancing to it while scrambling some eggs

in that damn apron he wears to work

and giggles 

and it gets uncontrollable when harry asks him what he's laughing about

but harry thinks it's so cute so he's sort of laughing too

but more smiling like how he did in year 8

all cheeks and squished eyes

but louis decides not to explain

when he sees a turntable on harry's counter

and puts the chubby checker record under the needle

and it's a little static-y until 

"the twist" starts playing

and harry takes a dramatic inhale

and turns to louis with a mischievous smile

and starts to shake around his bum a little

and spin in circles to the music

and by the first chorus he's got his eyes closed

and one foot in front of another

and he's full on twisting around in the kitchen

and louis is doubled over in laughter

because harry is comfortable looking like a complete idiot

and he is so cute when he does

but harry comes over and grabs him gently by the wrists

and pulls him towards himself

and urges him to dance too

so they do 

and louis is having the most fun he's had since he can remember

then the song is over and something slower comes on

and harry turns the volume down a bit and sets one plate out

with one fork one spoon and one knife

and louis watches from his spot on the floor against the cupboards

and harry's still smiling

when he sits down and picks up his fork and knife

and nods with a grin to the seat across from him

so louis gets up

(slowly so he doesn't black out)

(its been 7 days since he's had a real meal and he hasn't had much fluids either)

and walks over 

pulls out the chair

and sits

tries not to look at harry's plate

but does anyway

and harry has french toast

and pancakes

and eggs

and bacon

and sausage

and even normal toast

and louis would be angry if he didn't know harry 

and how was literally incapable of ill intent

because he would think harry was taunting him

but he thinks rather that harry is such teenage boy

and a big one at that 

that he needs to really eat this much

so louis smiles 

and watches a bright blue swallow outside the window

and harry watches louis' blue eyes 

how they get bluer in the light

and remembers that its rude to stare

so he looks down at his plate

and thinks that louis is the type of boy he'd like to take along

to all his favorite music festivals 

and tell all of his secrets

and keep him safe from the world that's hurting him so much

but he doesn't hope

no 

harry never hopes

because he doesn't want to get himself deeper into something

than he should be

but he knows if he had to take a chance on something it'd be louis

louis says something before he can stop himself

"is the pan still hot?"

with the intention of maybe heating himself up

1 large egg (74 calories) 

1 slice of whole wheat toast (78 calories)

with butter (36 calories)

and while he's adding the total in his head harry grins

as politely as he can with a mouthful of food

swallows and says 

"i made an extra plate, s'in the microwave."

and before louis can say anything harry's on his feet

and coming back with a plate with an equal measure of food to harry's (a lot)

harry's grinning and louis' heart is racing 

but this is making harry very very happy 

and if louis can take a few bites here and there

well it can't hurt

harry takes a gulp of orange juice and says

still smiling

"you don't have to eat all of it, 

i mean don't feel badly if you don't want to.

it's just that i wanted you to have a lot to choose from,

don't really know what you like."

louis gives a practiced smile 

and then a real one after harry winks at him

so he takes a bite

and it's really very good

and suddenly he feels much of the hunger 

that he's forcefully rejected for a week now

and before he knows it his plate is nearly clean

after having made small talk with harry and giggled some more

and he can feel his belly expanding under his sweater

and it's not a good feeling

even though his body is thanking him 

and telling him that this should feel good and right and normal

but if harry weren't here right now he knows he'd be knelt over the toilet

flushing himself of the demons he ingested

so he can be in control again

a small voice inside him

very quiet

whispers that harry is good for this reason

he's just good for being here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading :)))


	5. gone wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis smiles like he hasn't in months and harry and louis confess a lot

louis goes home later in the morning

when harry says that he has to go to work

grabs his coat and says

"stay as long as you like.

i get out of work at 4."

and he leaves it open ended for a minute

because he doesn't want to actually say that

he very much would like to spend even more time with louis

but he hopes that louis gets the message

louis just smiles and says

"okay"

and harry leans in a bit closer

and whispers

"thank you for eating"

and kisses louis on the forehead

and he's out the door

leaving louis to his thoughts

and his wobbly knees

so for a moment he rests a hand on his belly

and considers taking a trip to the bathroom 

to purge himself of it

but he really would feel weird and kind of rude

practicing that in harry's bathroom

so he plays what harry said in his head

fifteen times over

takes a deep breath

and grabs a paper and pen to write

"thank you for breakfast  
call me when you get out  
lou"

considers drawing a little heart

but refrains out of the irrational fear that he's making up

breakfast 

and the little kiss

and the date

and all of it

and he'd rather stay cautious

just in case he is losing his mind

so he leaves it on the counter

and slips out the door

and walks home

he finds his sisters trashing the living room

with what probably was play doh

until it dried out and crumbled up into a big brown mess

he helps pick it out of phoebe's hair

and his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes

louis will never understand her capacity to hear about everything

because he was near silent walking in 

but she still calls out

"lou, i got called in for a long shift today.

could you watch the girls?"

louis groans

and she says

"it'll just be the twins, lou,

lottie and fizzy are at a friends."

"fine, 

but only if i can have a friend over."

"a friend?

or a _friend_?"

she say skeptically but playfully

walking into the living room

wiping her hands on a dish towel

louis practically giggles and says

"why should i tell you?"

in a teasing tone

and daisy turns around and chants

"louis' smitten! louis' got a crush!"

phoebe joins in immediately and jay shakes her head

louis giggles and jay sees the lines form

next to his eyes

and it makes her heart stop a little

because she loved when louis used to smile that way

but hasn't seen it in months

so she gives him permission to have this friend over

and heads off to work

so louis calls harry and says

"come over to mine tonight."

and harry says 

"oh, a sexy date, i'm in."

and louis rolls his eyes but he's smiling when he says

"no, you wanker, you're going to help me watch my little sisters."

and harry laughs 

"i _guess_ i'll still come.

text me your address, 

be over in a bit."

and theres a disconnect tone

but louis keeps the phone to his face for a moment

because when he's giddy he's slow to react

and the girls begin their chant again

because louis smile doesn't fade while he lays on the couch

and waits for harry

and his ears must have been ringing 

the way that they do when he's really ecstatic

because he doesn't even know harry's there

until a familiar raspy voice travels through the house

followed by a fit of giggles and whispers from his sisters

and that voice says

"what are you smiling about, sunshine?"

and louis 

snarky as he is

says

"how'd you get into my house?"

so harry takes a seat at the other end of the small couch

and looks around

and he sees football trophies and pictures lining the wall

of louis and he counts four different girls

and a mum that louis is identical to

and they are really a very charming family

and harry feels rude

but he wonders how louis went wrong

how could someone in such a loving family fall to a sickness like he has

but then harry wonders where it was he himself went wrong

and where all of his issues started

and he really can't pinpoint it

so he tells himself to shut up

and besides

louis hasn't really gone wrong anyway

he's just lost his way

and just like louis can read his mind

just like he can see it in harry's eyes

louis says

"so why do you see dr. langdon, anyway?

i mean, if you don't mind my asking, of course."

and there's no hesitation

just shame heavy in his voice

when harry says one simple word

"schizophrenia"

and louis nods like it's nothing

like they're talking about the weather

except he's more interested

and then he says

"i have an idea of what that is, 

but i'm not totally clear.

i mean,

could you explain it to me?"

so harry nods 

and picks at the fringe on a pillow

and starts with

"it basically entails a lot of auditory hallucinations, 

in my case anyway.

that's what my doctor calls it

and i think that he just says it because it sounds 

more professional and less crazy."

harry snickers but it's really bitter

he doesn't make eye contact with louis and speaks really slow

"i basically just hear a lot of voices

and all the other symptoms are subsequent."

"like what."

louis quietly prompts

and he feels like he's pushing it

but harry's willing anyway

knows that louis isn't being judgmental

just inquisitive

and he knows he'd like to know a lot about louis to

so he continues

"it's really hard to determine reality and things i'm make up

so i'm really very paranoid

and i'm irritable sometimes because 

it can get quite loud up here"

he taps his temple

louis nods to show he's listening

harry still won't look at him

"it takes me a little bit longer to organize my thoughts

and if i get 

ya know

really emotional or something

i just blabber on and make shit sense.

sometimes when i get really angry

i even see things

and that doesn't make it much easier."

there's a long pause and louis says

"how did it start?"

harry shrugs 

"my doctors theory is that i hit puberty

and all these emotions and hormones

kind of activated the gene i carry for it

because it's genetic but usually doesn't show symptoms until it's provoked somehow.

what i neglected to leave out, 

because my mum would probably kill me,

was that on my 14th birthday

i had some older friends who invited me over

and one of them had spliff so i said yeah

cause i thought i was cool

but i ended up totally embarrassing myself.

i tripped out

cause see

i already had pretty severe anxiety

and i just lost all sense of time and my grip on myself

so i ask what time it was like eight different times every hour

and i even made one kid hold my hand.

i mean, i was lucky

they were pretty supportive

but after that 

nothing was the same.

i never fully got a grip on the concept of reality again

and i heard a lot of voices

and they made me question everything.

i'm still quite new to it.

i know it's been five years but..

i keep waiting for it to go away,

like,

be gone one day when i wake up

like some kind of cold,

but it just doesn't."

louis nods again

but he was not expecting harry to have something like that

and he's not quite sure about what to say

so he asks

"if you'd like to know anything about me 

i'd be happy to return the favor."

so harry looks at him for the first time since it was brought up

and he looks incredibly grateful

that louis doesn't say something stupid like everyone else does

like

"i still think your great, anyway."

like it's some sort of thing that lessens a persons worth

but harry is rather curious

so he tries to be careful with his words

and says

"when did everything start for you?"

and louis 

gives a sad smile and says

"about a year ago i got my first boyfriend.

like i had plenty of girlfriends but i always new that i was"

he stumbles over the word

"gay.

and i guess i should've expected it because i was always more

feminine and sensitive

my dad always told me that

at least before he left when i was seven.

yeah so,

this boyfriend was very verbally abusive

would tell me how useless and disgusting i was.

and mind you

i'm not very good with men to begin with

and i thought i was in love with him

but i just wasn't

i was obsessed with these impossible standards he set for me

and i started getting thinner and at first he was encouraging

and i thrived off of it

but i hit 63 kg

and he told me i was too skinny

but i didn't feel like it was enough

so i kept losing and he left.

looking back on it i'm glad he did

but now i'm here

and i've tried everything i can to get rid of it

but i just can't.

i realize the consequences

i realize all the people that it hurts

i realize all of that

but i don't want to stop.

i can't."

his voice breaks with the last words

and harry's stomach drops and twists because of how hopeless he sounds

and never has harry felt so small and incapable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)


	6. vignette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> for the first time in a long time everything is still

louis decides it might be better if they move onto a lighter topic

and harry silently agrees

and they forget it like it never happened

hold the words in their minds for later use

but it doesn't matter

because louis doesn't feel sick around harry

and harry doesn't feel sick around louis

phoebe and daisy wander into the living room by 20:00

and daisy curls up on louis' lap

and phoebe sits on the floor beside harry's leg

rubbing her eyes

so harry pulls her up on to his lap and she giggles

"i think you two are tired,"

louis speculates

and they both retort with very drawn out

"nooooooooo!"s

so louis makes a deal

"we can watch cartoons for another half hour 

if you two go to bed after."

"okay!" 

they say in unison

and in 15 minutes they're both fast asleep on the couch

and harry smiles at louis

and they both carry the girls up to their room and tuck them in their beds

and when harry closes the door quietly behind him

louis giggles and grabs harry by the hand

and pulls him into his room

louis' bed is just a mattress on the floor

but it's different because it's louis

and he makes it look like it's that way on purpose

like he's chic and starving artist-y

and he's got a turntable in the corner

(to which harry smiles at)

and a massive record collection

(something they discuss extensively while louis sits on his bed)

(and harry swings in the hammock that louis' got hanging in another corner)

and harry's really interested in it all

because harry's very observant 

and thinks that a room says a lot about a persons mind

(even though his room is just a maroon bed and a dresser)

(which is quite the opposite of his mind because it's very much busy up there)

but he's more interested in louis

and the way louis' eyes glow 

and the way he laughs when harry does something stupid

so somehow harry ends up on the bed

right across from louis

and they're discussing the best red hot chill peppers album

when louis rubs his eyes

and that with his small frame 

makes him look very little

and very young

and very very cute

and it stops harry mid-sentence

and kind of chokes him up

and before louis can ask harry why he's stopped

harry's lips are pressed against his

and it's eager but it's soft

and he tastes sweet like vanilla

so louis shifts his lips so they're slotted together perfectly

and he's smiling when harry pulls away

and rests his forehead against louis'

and he's nearly breathless for no good reason

but he pulls louis by the shoulders and they topple over 

harry's on his back and louis' on top of him

and harry places his hands on each side of louis' face

and kisses him again

except it's less gentle this time

and louis is so light over him

that it would feel like he wasn't even there at all

but only if he didn't make harry feel so warm

so harry's eyes go dark for a moment 

and he flips louis over

and slips his tongue in louis' mouth

and louis wraps his arms around harry's neck

and harry slides down a bit to kiss against louis' collarbone

and up his neck

which makes him gasp

and harry smirks

but he knows that louis can hardly keep his eyes open

even though he'd like to

so he kisses each of louis' eyelids

and lays down next to him

pulls him into a tight hug

and they both fall fast asleep

~

louis wakes up to an empty bed

and a big wrinkle next to him where he supposes harry's body was

but he doesn't have enough time to feel anxious

when too sleepy girls walk into his room demanding breakfast

and one follows with the question

"where's harry?"

so louis says

"you know just as much as me, kiddo"

and walks out of his room

~

he finds no food in the cabinets and there are no eggs in the fridge

so he puts together two bowls of cereal and sets them on the table

he sinks into the couch

and rubs the sleep out of his eyes

and wonders why harry's gone

but like harry's read his mind

his phone lights up and vibrates against his stomach

he answers it 

trying to cloud the happiness in his voice

"hi lou," 

and louis can hear the smile in his voice

"i left cause i wasn't sure if i was supposed to stay the night,"

"well of course you were,"

louis says sadly

twisting around the string of his hoodie between his fingers

he's pouting and hardly ashamed of it

"i can come back if you'd like,"

harry trails off questionably

"yes, come back!"

so harry arrives a little bit before 9:00

and since his mom isn't home yet 

louis assumes she must be sleeping in the resident's room at the hospital

must've got too tired to drive home

but lottie comes home just after harry does

and a blush comes over her cheeks

and she rushes to the bathroom to fix her hair

because she's really smitten over harry already

louis would be jealous but he knows that harry is smitten for him instead

so he just laughs and they head back to harry's

where louis heads right down the hallway to harry's bedroom

lays right in the maroon bed that smells impeccably like harry

and pulls the huge blanket over his head

harry lights candles and sets them on the nightstand 

and quietly

carefully

slides in next to louis

pulls his tiny body into his own

tangles his long fingers in louis' messy hair

and louis for the first time

really grasps onto harry

wraps his arms around harry 

and wraps his legs around him too

harry swings them over and brings louis on top of himself

louis buries his face in harry's neck and giggles

harry smiles and he feels blissful

everything around him is soft and little blurry

like a real life vignette 

and the focus is right on the boy

that's laying on top of him

and giggling against his skin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyyyyy so to anyone who's been mean: it wont make me feel more inclined to update if youre all rude to me about not updating because lets face it im not the best at it and i have a lot of other obligations right now and seriously like if youre really sweet like everyone else is (and just like oh my god its overwhelming how understanding and perfect and kind you guys are apart from a few) then i will try to update as quickly as i can but if you give me a tude about it i literally will not be motivated at all and will probably leave this website because youre making me feel like shit so yeah dont be rude!!!!!!!thanks
> 
> but to everyone else seriously thank you for being the sweetest angels ever youre my favorite people and i consider us like best buds i hope youre enjoying this and i really love you okay :)

**Author's Note:**

> yay idk when im posting the next chapter but before 12/15 so stay tuned
> 
> ♡♡♡♡♡♡[ niallvibes.tumblr ](http://niallvibes.tumblr.com)♡♡♡♡♡♡


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